Why Hocus Pocus Made Me Thankful To Be An Only Child

The true mark of an epic Halloween movie is one that you can’t help but watch all year round, holiday season etiquettes be damned. And for me, that honor belongs to the 1993 cult classic Hocus Pocus, which centers around three sister witches and their attempts to suck the youth (and souls) out of innocent children. So, you know, typical Halloween kids’ movie type of stuff. Growing up, I watched the film religiously and could quote each line in its entirety. (Honestly, I probably still could.) I even convinced two of my friends to dress up as the Sanderson sisters with me for one Halloween. Needless to say, I was obsessed. Yet, for all of its incredible attributes, there was one aspect of the film that I thought proved to be the biggest downfall for many of the characters: siblings.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s very controversial and also, how dare you?! Siblings can be an incredible gift — an immeasurable, sacred bond that should be treasured for life. And you’re absolutely right. Siblings can be awesome (or so I’m told). As an only child, I confess that I found myself at times yearning for a sibling… someone to share secrets with or pass blame onto or look up to. So, believe me, I totally get it. But from a child’s perspective, I remember watching this movie and thinking, Man, siblings certainly do seem to be a lot of work! In some ways, it made me thankful to be an only child.

Before you start passing out the torches and pitchforks, let me explain.

They’re in constant need of protection

From the very beginning of the movie, we see Thackery Binx run into the woods and thrust himself right into danger when his younger sister Emily gets lured to the Sanderson sisters’ cottage. Obviously, this was a heroic thing to do and a clear sign of how much he loves his sister, which is very sweet. But I remember as a kid almost feeling somewhat accusatory towards Emily — not for getting herself kidnapped (we later witness the hypnotic power of Sarah’s singing abilities), but rather her behavior after the fact. Unlike Dani, who put up a fight whenever the witches tried to harm her, Emily simply seems resigned to her fate. Even when Thackery comes to her rescue, she makes no move to help or attempt to escape, which leads to her death and to Thackery’s curse of becoming a cat. Elementary School Kelly did not think Thackery’s bravery was properly rewarded.

Jumping to 300 years later, the sibling dynamic remains the same. Max is constantly trying to protect his young sister Dani from the witches. He gets electrified by Winifred, attacked by a zombie (who later turns out to be a good guy, but still!), and even drinks the life potion himself so that it can’t be given to Dani. (Winnie does suck up some of his life force before being turned to stone, so does that mean he won’t live as long as he would’ve?! We’ll never know. But that’s a theory for another time.)

The bottom line here is that protecting your sibling looked like a major hassle and one that I was glad not to have to worry about as an only child.

They excel at embarrassment

Dani’s amazing in so many ways, but let’s be honest, this girl DNGAF when it came to her brother’s privacy or his social standing at school. In fact, her first scene involves her hiding in Max’s closet and popping out when he starts pretending that his pillow is his new school crush, Allison. I would cringe at the thought of someone intruding on me during such a private moment. If that wasn’t bad enough, she then proceeds to tell Allison that her brother likes her yabbos. I still have secondhand embarrassment just thinking about it. Not to mention, she blabs to anyone who’ll listen that her brother is a virgin! Granted, I didn’t know what a virgin was at that age, but I knew Max got really annoyed anytime she brought it up.

And, to top it all off, Dani purposefully provokes the two guys who bullied Max and stole his shoes. This leads to a confrontation that makes Max look weak (he gives them his candy so they’ll leave) and causes a bunch of his classmates to laugh at him. It’s no wonder he gets angry at her. As a kid, this all sounded like my worst nightmares come to life and not something I wanted to be a part of.

They never listen

Make no mistake, though — Max also has his own flaws, proving older siblings can be just as cumbersome. He is, after all, responsible for bringing the Sanderson sisters back in the first place. Dani warns him not to light the Black Flame Candle, but he doesn’t listen. And just look at all the trouble that ensues! I mean, sure, he thought it was just a silly superstition (or rather, “just a bunch of Hocus Pocus“), but still. Why risk it, dude?

That’s just as bad as when Dani doesn’t listen to Max and leaves the protective circle of salt grave in the cemetery to go retrieve Billy’s head for him. (He is a grown-ass zombie, girl! He can get his own head. Worry about protecting yourself!)

All in all, Young Kelly always walked away from these many, many, many rewatches with two main thoughts: 1.) What the heck is a virgin? And 2.) Maybe being an only child is for the best.