Not Being The Preferred Parent Can Suck. Heres An Expert

“So, who’s really your favorite kid?” asks a childless friend of mine, referring to my three young children. I sat there stunned — I couldn’t possibly choose a favorite. But then it got me thinking: What if my kids were asked if they had a favorite parent? Dun dun dun.

It’s interesting when I take a minute to really think about it. From the outside looking in, it would seem as though my 7-year-old son and my 6-year-old daughter prefer my husband. While he gets greeted with run-up hugs, wide smiles, and kisses galore upon coming home from work, it’s “Mommy, I’m hungry” and “Mommy, you were five minutes late” when I pick them up from school. (For the record, my littlest one, who is 3 years old, is attached to my hip.)

I’m well aware that this doesn’t have anything to do with my children’s love for me. I know they love me. But it still got me thinking… Why do I so often feel like I’m the captain of the ship trying to keep everything (and everyone) afloat, while my husband gets to be the fun skipper?

Below, I spoke to a parenting expert to get to the bottom of things.

What is preferred parentism?

Preferred parentism refers to the parent that a child either “feels more comfortable with or chooses to spend more time with when they have the choice,” explains Danielle Lindner, a parenting coach and author of Parent’s Pocket Guide to Surviving the Preschool Years.

This can morph into the child’s expectation of always having the choice of which parent helps, plays, or interacts with them — all at the exclusion of the other parent, says child development and behavior specialist Betsy Brown Braun, author of Just Tell Me What to Say and You’re Not the Boss of Me.

What does preferred parentism look like?

In the early stages of infancy and childhood, a child may prefer the parent they feel the biggest connection to. “They are at an age where they seem to prefer the parent they know can meet their basic needs of comfort and care — the parent who ultimately makes them feel safe,” says Lindner.

By about 18 months, the child knows what they want and discovers they have a choice. This often marks the time where preferring one parent can manifest in a much more demanding, vocal way beyond a 6-month-old merely reaching for a parent when they’re in plain view, says Brown Braun.

“A 2-, 3-, and even 4-year-old can be quite demonstrative in his/her demands, including insisting on getting the parent of their choice.” This could look like the child refusing to get out of the car seat, shrieking, “I want Mommy,” or the child demanding that “only Daddy can take me out of the bath.” In such cases, “the child actually refuses to do what’s being asked or what’s necessary (even if it’s what they actually want), unless the parent of their choice does it,” says Brown Braun.

Of course, it’s not always possible for the preferred parent to take on all the tasks, so what often ends up happening is that the child might have a huge outburst of feelings when left with the undesired parent, says Brown Braun, who notes that the child may even say phrases like, “I don’t like you,” or “I don’t want you.”

Why does preferred parentism occur?

There are different reasons why preferred parentism can occur. For starters, parent availability is a big one. “If a child experiences only one parent most of the time in the business of daily life, s/he will grow accustomed to having that parent to do it all,” says Brown Braun.

The opposite could be true, too. “When kids don’t see a parent that they love often, it’s a novelty when they do, and they want to grab that special time with them,” says Lindner. (Case in point: why my kids are so excited to see Dad at the end of the day.)

At times, preferred parentism has a lot to do with the interests the child has. If a child’s hobbies include sports or art and the same rings true for Mom or Dad, then the child may subconsciously see this as a special opportunity for bonding, says Lindner.

Then there are situations of divorce. In these cases, Lindner says there’s a very high chance that the child will choose the parent who invests the most in them on a daily basis. “This is not to say that either parent isn’t giving all of themselves to take care of the family; it’s just suggesting that kids often gravitate to the person they can visually see taking care of their needs,” she adds.

Other things that can fuel the child’s rejection of one parent are cases of abuse, meanness, and volatile parental reactions, as well as “discordant divorces, when a child has been exposed to one parent’s vitriol about the other, or when the child has been polluted by the other parent,” notes Brown Braun.

Finally, parental permissiveness may be the culprit. After all, what kid wouldn’t want to go to the parent they always hear “yes” from? This is especially true as children get older and become more independent — they may gravitate toward the parent who gives them what they want because they enjoy the freedom this provides, says Lindner.

What are the adverse effects?

There’s a laundry list of adverse effects of preferred parentism. For starters, it makes it harder for parents to “swap” duties and can contribute to a lack of bonding time for the rejected parent. It could also bleed into the parents’ relationship and what they want to model for their children. In extreme cases, it can certainly put a damper on the family dynamic.

For the non-preferred parent, one negative effect could be very real feelings of sadness. “The rejected parent may take it personally and feel excluded, and they might actually avoid coming home or being home with the family. Sometimes, they can impose their hurt feelings on the child, saying things like ‘Fine! Then I don’t want to be with you either!'” says Brown Braun.

Preferred parentism can also affect the preferred parent in less-than-desirable ways. This parent may harbor feelings of resentment for having to do it all and can blame the non-preferred parent for not pitching in.

Lindner gives this example of the above: If the child favors Mom and most of the needs of the child then fall on her, she could feel exhaustion and overload as if she’s doing it all herself. In reality, Dad may be happy to do it, but the child is resistant or throws tantrums, making things difficult. This goes both ways: Dad may be favored and feels overwhelmed, and Mom may feel unwanted or resentful for being left out.

So, how can you cope with preferred parentism?

Good news! All hope is not lost. The first thing to know is that throughout their lives, children change their preferences often and as they grow.

According to Brown Braun, it’s crucial to tolerate the child’s unhappiness when they don’t get the parent they want. “Your child just might be unhappy… for now. And that is OK. This is so hard for many parents, but acquiescing to the child’s demands undermines their developing ability to tolerate not getting what they want (including the choice of parent).”

Instead, try creating opportunities to do things together where responsibility is shared. Lindner says that doing this in front of the child lets them see cohesive parenting and a team approach. This could be anything from one parent dropping off the child at school and the other picking up, to parents switching off attending sporting games.

In the case of parental permissiveness, Brown Braun suggests the following prompt for the “permissive” parent: “What did Daddy/Mommy say? Let’s go ask him/her.” This makes the permissive parent preferred only in the case of the child seeking to get something they want (more screen time, another scoop of ice cream, you name it).

For divorced families, it should be established early on that each parent is the “boss” of their own house. Brown Braun suggests the following prompt: “I know you want to be at Mommy’s house because you think she might let you stay up later and play with your iPad, but now you are at my house. That’s the way it is. It’s OK to be unhappy.”

As for what not to do? For the non-preferred parent, Lindner warns against making the child feel awkward or guilty about wanting to spend more time with the other parent. “Let them know you love spending time with them and look forward to it. Let them know you love seeing how much they love the preferred parent and think it’s so wonderful they have a close relationship. You can let older kids know you want to build a close relationship with them too and ask them what they think would be good ways to spend more quality time together.”