Someone Asked For “Adult Only” Pumpkin Patch Recommendations And The Internet Had A Field Day

We’ve already come to know that this world wasn’t built for kids. People pitch fits if they’re sat next to a kid on an airplane and more and more restaurants are banning kids under a certain age. Now, certainly, a kid’s behavior in public is mostly tied to parenting problems, but overall, parents are often left in lurches for where to be with their kids that feels welcoming.

And now, apparently, pumpkin patches aren’t even safe spaces.

A Reddit user in the /AskPortland subreddit outsourced opinions on where they can go to pick some pumpkins without a child in sight.

“Are there any adults only pumpkin patch events around the Portland area?” they asked.

The answers on the thread were laugh-out-loud-worthy.

“It’s just called farming,” one user wrote.

Another user channeled their inner Stefan ala Saturday Night Live and joked, “Portland’s hottest club is Pumpkin Patch. This place has everything: Twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, room after room of broken mirrors.”

“Someone around here would make BANK if they ran with this idea. I, too, love Halloween but hate children,” another affirmed.

“I personally am hoping for a lead on an adults only Easter egg hunt,” another snarked. “Watching this thread closely.”

“Like, fully nude?” another wondered.

Yes, the responses were hilarious, but there’s a weirder problem here, right?

Pumpkin patches are specifically tailored for families and children. We take our kids in their cutest little fall outfits, take pictures of them surrounded by gourds, and then romp around the corn maze. Why do people expect to go to things — things that are typically catered to kids — and want no kids there?

Why do adults feel the need to experience childhood wonder only through the refracted lens of nostalgia and request the absence of real children experiencing real childhood because they’re annoyed by tiny little people running around and enjoying their time?

Go to Trader Joe’s and get your pumpkins!

Furthermore, there are already plenty of pop-up bars, “Booze and Zoos” events, and other adult gatherings that give that fall vibe — some were even recommended in the Reddit thread. There is no shortage of kid-free fall activities. Let the kids have their pumpkin patch!